


In Between You & Me

by ElopeToTheSea



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anxiety Attacks, Break Up Talk, Depression, Found Family, Gen, Hearts Hotel Fluff, I'll add more tags as it goes, Post-Kingdom Hearts III, Sora Angst (Kingdom Hearts), Temporarily Unrequited Love, Unrequited Love, but let's ignore re:mind, remember that & is for platonic relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-01
Updated: 2020-04-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:07:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22503007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElopeToTheSea/pseuds/ElopeToTheSea
Summary: Things were supposed to go back to usual.The problem was…Sora no longer knew what ‘usual’ meant. It no longer meant going to school or napping in the sand. It wasn’t sailing a boat across the small fragment of the sea, nor was it sitting by the paopu tree with nothing in his mind to worry him.His ‘usual’ suddenly didn’t feel usual. It felt strange and wrong. He was supposed to be happy, finally free. But the more time he sat, knowing there was nothing to fight the more he felt out of place.His ‘usual’ was no longer the Islands.
Relationships: Heart Hotel - Relationship, Kairi & Riku (Kingdom Hearts), Kairi & Sora (Kingdom Hearts), Riku/Sora (Kingdom Hearts), Roxas & Sora (Kingdom Hearts), Sora & Vanitas (Kingdom Hearts), Sora & Ventus (Kingdom Hearts), past Kairi/Sora (Kingdom Hearts)
Comments: 15
Kudos: 139





	1. curry with no meat

Things were supposed to go back to usual.

The problem was…Sora no longer knew what ‘usual’ meant. It no longer meant going to school or napping in the sand. It wasn’t sailing a boat across the small fragment of the sea, nor was it sitting by the paopu tree with nothing in his mind to worry him.

His ‘usual’ suddenly didn’t feel usual. It felt strange and wrong. He was supposed to be happy, finally free. But the more time he sat, knowing there was nothing to fight the more he felt out of place. 

His ‘usual’ was no longer the Islands.

And it felt silly. This ‘usual’ was what he had fought for, for so many years. That’s what fighting war had been for. A chance to go back. Have that happily ever after he wished for.

Hadn’t it?

But as he sat on Paopu tree with Kairi by his side, something felt off. The ‘usual’ was not there.

“You alright?” Kairi asked, feeling his silence.

“Yeah!” he replied. “Better than ever!”

The corners of her mouth went to form a smile. Sora couldn’t help returning it. This much was good, he guessed. Just being able to hang out with Kairi again. To see her smile, brightly against the Islands’ sunset, like they used when they were kids.

“It’s getting late, I should get going,” she said.

“I’ll walk you home!” Sora said, already getting up.

“You sure?” she asked.

“Of course! It’s dangerous to let you walk alone at night,” he said.

There was a hint of something hidden in her eyes as they walked back to the boats. Sora wished he could know what it meant. But it was gone as soon as it flashed through, leaving behind Kairi’s usual sun-kissed smile.

“You know I can use a Keyblade now! I can defend myself!” she said.

“I know, but still!” he replied. "I wanna help you."

“You haven’t changed one bit, Sora,” Kairi said.

“You think so?” he asked.

“Yeah, I’m glad,” she said. They reached the boats, and Kairi turned to him. “See you tomorrow?”

“You don’t want me to go with you?” Sora asked, a slight frown in his face.

Kairi shook her head.

“It’s okay,” she replied.

“If you say so…”

Kairi stood up on the tip of her feet, slowly raising her body as it pressed against Sora’s. Her lips pressed softly against his cheek, close to the corner of his lips. The fragrance of strawberry and the sea came and went before Sora could react. And then, he was staring into Kairi’s blue eyes.

“Goodnight, Sora,” she said.

Sora blinked. Then, with a shy smile, he said.

“Goodnight, Kairi.”

Kairi got in the boat, and Sora helped her get it off the shore. He watched as he rowed back home. Her frame getting smaller and smaller until it was nothing more than a dot against the giant island she was headed towards. Sora stared. He knew he should move, reach out for his boat and go back home. Back to the little house on the edge of the island where his mother would be waiting.

But he couldn’t move. He stood there, eyes transfixed on the night sky, while the waves continued breaking by the rocks. Go back home.

Go back.

Go back where?

* * *

The next morning, he told Kairi about it.

“I want to go visit the rest,” he said.

“The rest?” she asked.

“You know, Ventus, Roxas, Xion…The rest,” he said.

She stared at him for a moment. He knew all that ran in her head when he told her. Questions like ‘why now?’ and ‘for what?’. Everyone was happy. Everyone was safe. There was nothing to worry about.

“Is there a reason why?” she asked.

Many, his heart said. But Sora couldn’t voice them. What reason could there be? Regardless, he smiled.

“I just wanna see them! Before school starts.” _‘Before it’s too late'_ “You coming with?”

“I don’t know…” she said, eyes drifting to the side. “I need to get things ready before class starts.”

“It’s alright,” he said. His voice came as cheerful as ever, or so he hoped. 

Kairi didn’t smile. Her eyes remained impassive, as she held the hem of her dress.

“You have to go?” she asked.

Sora flinched, the question catching him off guard.

“I’m just worried, Sora,” she continued. Her frame grew agitated. “You shouldn’t be trying to help others! You’re free now. _We_ are free! There’s nothing out there that can harm _us_ or our _friends_ anymore.”

The uneasiness inside Sora’s heart continued to grow.

“I’m not worried,” he said. Although even to him, the answer sounded strained. “I just-…thought it might be nice to visit them.”

“ _Sora_ ,” she insisted. “It’s alright. You can stay here. You can be home!”

Home.

Go back home.

“And I will!” he said. “I just wanna make sure they’re okay. One last time.”

Despite how much he tried to smile and hold Kairi’s hand, her uncertainty didn’t vanish. She remained there, a worried look in her eyes. But as she searched, she found no sign of Sora backing down. In spite of everything, she knew there was no changing his mind.

She sighed.

“One last time,” she said. “You promise?”

“Yeah!” he replied, a bright grin in his face. “And then I come back home.”

She smiled.

“And then you come back home,” she completed. “Right where you belong.”

“It’s a promise.”

Kairi let go of their joined hands, and her arms went to wrap around Sora’s shoulders. She brought them close into a hug. The warmth of her body was soothing. Calming. Sora hugged her back, inhaling deeply as the feeling of a home enveloped him once more.

For a moment, Sora thought perhaps he didn’t _have_ to go. He could stay right there. Stuck in time, holding Kairi close until the end of time.

But when she pulled away, the emptiness came back. A call to reach out for the other, hidden deep inside.

He had to find the others.

“Be safe,” Kairi asked, holding on to Sora’s arms.

Sora tried his best to give her a reassuring smile. The kind he used to give when they were kids. He hoped, with all his might, that it worked.

“I will.”

From her expression, Sora wasn’t sure if it did.

* * *

The closest to Destiny Islands was Twilight Town. That’s where he landed first. He hadn’t told anyone he was coming, so it shouldn’t have been a surprise that no one was there to greet him. They were probably busy. School was around the corner, wasn’t it?

Sora tried not to think about it.

He searched across the town, keeping his mind opened for the various things that he loved about it. The movies that were playing in the alley, and the Bistro by the plaza. He walked and walked, wondering where everyone was. The town was quiet, he noticed. The laughter around seemed a bit muted, and the people that talked on the street seemed to murmur this time around. Sora wondered if it was because everyone was busy getting ready for school. Or if it was just the time of day.

However, the sound began to get louder when he reached the hang out if the Twilight Gang. Laughter and shouts, the sound of feet against the concrete. It was all loud and clear. And as Sora pulled the curtain back, the sound just got louder.

“Roxas! Give it back!”

“Not until you say ‘ _please’_!”

“Please!”

Xion’s voice.

Sora watched as Roxas teased Xion by holding a photograph high above her head. They were smiling, and Olette, Hayner and Pence were laughing from their usual spot.

“Come on!”

“Hmm, I don’t know…”

Sora stayed staring at them for a second. Something strange settled inside his chest as he watched. Something he couldn’t name. It hurt, but there was no reason for it. Everyone was fine. They were okay. Everyone was safe.

Happy.

“Sora!” It was Olette who noticed him first. In an instant, Roxas let go of the photo to turn around and see, and Xion took the opportunity to snatch it away. She then quickly hid it away inside the pocket of her skirt.

“Sora?” Roxas asked.

“Hey man!” Hayner jumped off the wooden box on the corner. “What are you doing here? You didn’t tell us you were coming.”

“I’m just passing by,” Sora said. “Wanted to make sure everything was okay.”

“You don’t need to worry, Sora,” Xion said. “Things are going well around here.”

“Yeah, because you don’t know the mess you’re getting into,” Hayner replied with a huff. “Summer vacation is almost over! We’re going back to school!”

“I know!” Xion beamed. “Isn’t it exciting?”

“Olette, help me out here,” Hayner said after letting out a sigh.

“Oh, let them be,” Olette said, waving her hand. “We were all excited about our first day of school!”

“I guess we were,” Hayner said. 

Sora continued to watch as they made jabs at each other. Xion constantly excited, talking about how much she wanted to go to school, while Roxas listened. He didn’t seem to show it as much as Xion, but Sora could see the excitement in his eyes. They were all happy that they could finally enjoy school. Enjoy a life. Return to their ‘usual’.

“You sure you’re not here for something important, Sora?” Roxas asked, catching Sora off guard.

The pain in his chest continued to grow.

“Yeah! Just here to check things out…Oh! That reminds me. Where is Namine?” he asked.

“She should be here any minute now,” Xion said, checking the clock on the wall. “She went with Isa and Axel to-”

“Look what we have here,” a voice from behind. Sora jumped to the side, as he recognized the voice. “If it isn’t the little shrimp.”

“Axel!” Sora called. His eyes followed the figure. Next to him was Saix, and next was- “Namine!”

“Hello, Sora,” Namine greeted, small laugh hid her amusement. “Nice to see you too.”

“I was wondering where you were,” Sora said.

“We were out buying ice-cream,” she explained. “Isa and Lea were showing me around. I haven’t actually tried sea-salt, so I’m excited.”

“I’m glad,” he said, offering her a smile.

“Sorry we couldn’t bring you, though,” Axel chimed in. “We didn’t know you were coming, so we just bought-“ _~~for our friends~~_ “-seven.”

“It’s okay,” Sora said. “I really don’t get how you guys can eat it when it’s so cold out!”

“Cold?” Roxas asked. Sora felt the concerned look he shot him. “In summer?”

“Ahm, yeah?” Sora tried to laugh it off. But he still couldn’t shake off the look Roxas was giving him. “Maybe we could go watch the new movie in the plaza!”

Everyone exchanged a look. Sora felt strange as they all cast their eyes on him.

“We already watched this week’s,” Xion offered as a reply.

“Oh,” _makes sense_. “Then we could go to the bistro and visit Little Chef!”

“We were actually-,” this time it was Roxas. “-planning to go the beach. You know, with summer vacation ending soon an all.”

“Oh,” was all Sora managed to say.

He closed his fist.

“You can come with us!” Xion was quick to offer. “We could meet you at the station in an hour. There’s still a bit of planning left to do.”

“No,” Sora said, a wobbly smile in his face. “It’s alright! I just wanted to come check that everything was okay. I still need to go see the other worlds, so don’t worry.”

“You sure?” Namine asked. She placed her hand on Sora’s shoulder. The touch was nice. Calming. Even comforting if he closed his eyes. “We really don’t mind if you come along.”

“Yeah, it’s no biggie,” Sora said. “Take care guys!”

Sora barely let the ‘take care!’ of the rest echo before he was heading out. The sensation inside his chest kept growing, clawing its way through. There was something wrong with him. He could tell that much. But he didn’t know what.

But everyone was having such happy lives! Living an ever after that felt true. If Sora started talking about how much something inside hurt, everyone would start worrying. Xion, Roxas and Namine wouldn’t be able to enjoy their first day at school. They’d be worrying for nothing.

He climbed inside the gummi ship, hoping no one had noticed him act weird. If he could go home – back to Kairi – maybe these feelings would fade away. He had to go back. 

He had to-…

* * *

Despite whatever he had told himself, it was as if his heart hadn’t listened. Instead of going back to Destiny Islands, Sora found himself arriving to the Land of Departure. 

He hoped to see Ventus again. That thought alone was making him feel slightly better, so he jumped out of the gummi ship. A shiver ran up his spine. When had Land of Departure gotten so cold?

He shook his head, dismissing the thought as quickly as it formed. Instead, he raced towards the entrance. For some reason, his muscles ached when he did. Was he out of shape already? Sure, he hadn’t been able to sword fight with Riku lately but still. Maybe he should train with Ventus, see if they could spar for a while.

Despite the pain, Sora smiled and ran a little faster.

But when he reached the castle, his body no longer moved. He was stuck in place. His eyes focused on the image before him, taking in every little detail there was. From the way Terra patted Ventus’ head – with a big warm and loving smile – to how Aqua laughed at them both with a love that almost mirrored maternal. And Ventus…

Ventus was smiling too.

From deep inside his memories, Sora managed to hold on to a piece that wasn’t his. This same sky, clear and ever blue. And laced with the picture, there was a feeling. A little glow of heat that spread through the memory, almost letting Sora feel it in his own heart. He recognized it.

_Home._

Ventus was home.

“Sora!” Aqua called.

Sora flinched. His body felt made out of crystal. Real, yet translucent. As if everyone was staring right through him.

As if it were to break.

Somehow, he managed to keep his smile from cracking. A raised hand went to wave.

“Aqua! Ven! Sora!” he called back. “Long time no see!”

“Long time no see?” Aqua asked with a chuckle. “It hasn’t been that long.”

“It hasn’t?” Sora asked. His mind searched for a date. When was the last time they saw each other? But even in his memories, time seemed to stretch on. A large tunnel full of empty thoughts that lead nowhere. 

“Are you alright, Sora?” Ventus asked, his brows furrowed. If Sora reached through, he could feel the worry from Ven.

And with it, the guilt began building up. It was paralysing, even numbing.

“I’m okay!” he replied.

The worry didn’t disappear, but it dissipated enough for Sora to ignore. He didn’t understand why these feelings were surfacing. Or what the little pain in his chest meant. But he knew he couldn’t tell Ven about it.

He was finally happy. He was finally _home_.

“What brings you here?” Aqua asked. Her eyes were clear. A genuine question, if a little amused.

Then why.

Why couldn’t Sora answer it? The words were stuck in his mind, unable to come out.

“Patrolling,” he said. Which earned him a questioning look from all three. Of course, it would. It didn’t make sense. Why couldn’t he come up with a better excuse? Why was his brain so…? “Just making sure all the worlds are okay!”

“Are you…” Aqua began. She hesitated for a moment as if searching the correct words to say. “…alone?”

“Donal and Goofy couldn’t come,” he replied quickly. Maybe a bit too quickly. “They are in the castle! Helping the King out.”

“What about Kairi?” Ventus asked. He took a step further towards Sora. “She isn’t with you?”

“She wanted to stay,” Sora replied with a laugh. It came out a bit dry, and he hoped no one would notice.

“Don’t you miss her?” Ventus asked. At the words, Sora nodded almost as a reflex. Ventus offered him a kind smile and reached for Sora’s hands. “You should go back to her. You’ve been far away from home for so long.”

For some reason, Sora found himself in a daze. He nodded again; a bit absent-minded. All he could focus on was how hot Ventus’ hands were, and how good it felt with the cold breeze that was passing through. Going home…Sounded like a good idea. A bunch of blankets, hot chocolate, and laughter. A sunset that never ended, and the rush of the sea that echoed from the window.

“Good,” Ventus beamed and took his hands away. Sora tried his hardest not to flinch in pain as he did. The cold bit him like a ferocious monster. “I’ll tell her you’re going back.”

Sora wasn’t sure how he was able to go back to the gummi ship. His limbs felt like jello, and the shivers that ran up his spine kept him from moving too much. But he did. Somehow.

It was hard to navigate his way without Donald and Goofy. The ship felt lonely and quiet, almost dark. A rumbling in his chest began crawling. Sora wished it wasn’t a familiar feeling. That this was the very first time he felt it.

But it wasn’t.

The same sensation would overcome him in the middle of the night. When sleep remained far away, and all he could do was stare at the ceiling. Anxiety bubbling up, trying to eat him whole. As if millions of ants were crawling up his arms, and thoughts would keep piling up inside his head.

He was scared.

Without thinking twice, he reached for his gummi phone.

He stared at the black screen. His nerves were making it hard to move. But he was so scared he forced his thumbs to click that one button that was like a remedy to him.

The dial continued. And continued.

“Please, answer,” he begged, feeling how his hands were trembling.

_‘No one is here to answer your call. Please, leave a message.’_

Sora remained still, with the distinctive beep of the line against his ear. Why was he even surprised? Why was he so disappointed? It made sense. Riku couldn’t answer. He was far away, working and doing important stuff for the king. Training to become an even better Keyblade Master.

Of course he wouldn’t answer-

“Riku? Are you there?” he asked. His voice was all broken, on the verge of tears. Riku would worry if he heard him like this. But Sora was so tired, so scared, he couldn’t stop himself. “Hey! I was just-…calling to see how you’re doing? Heh, I hope you’re having fun with the King…” Sora managed to stop the tears from falling. But he was sure the sniff was loud enough that Riku would hear it. “I’m not sure what’s happening but I-…I don’t feel all that good? I know I should be happy, b-because everyone else is but…Something feels wrong.”

Sora took in a deep shaky breath.

“I feel wrong,” he said. Immediately after, he shook his head. “You know what? Never mind, delete this. I probably just need to sleep! See you in a few months!”

He hung up.

And finally, let the tears roll down.

Maybe Ventus was right. Maybe he just needed to go back home. Maybe if he went back to Kairi, everything would be alright.

* * *

It wasn’t alright.

He knew something was strange, as soon as he saw Kairi standing by the Paopu fruit tree. She looked just like always, but there was something off. And as he reached to hug her, he didn’t feel her arms return it.

“Kairi?” he asked. He expected to see her sad when he pulled away, but she was smiling as always. 

“Had fun?” she asked. Sora nodded. “That’s good.”

“You feel okay?” Sora asked.

“Sora,” she began. Her tone was so silent, so lost. Sora’s heart ached just by hearing it. “You know I love you, right?”

“Yeah! And I love you too!” he answered.

But her smile didn’t reach her eyes. It slowly withered away in them, like a little star that lost its light.

“I know,” she replied. “I know, Sora.”

He hoped she would return the hug, to keep the close distance, or at least for her to touch his hand.

But she didn’t.

She pulled away and stared unto the sea.

Sora stood there by her side and didn’t do anything else. No matter how much the cold in his skin was burning, or the way something inside his heart kept growing. Eating away whatever had once been inside. 

* * *

Sora tried to hold himself together for a week. But the longer the days went by, the more he felt lost. Like his body didn’t belong to himself, like the world was too big. He’d tried to spend more time with Kairi. Take her to the park, to the secret place, to have her over at his house and watch movies. But, for some reason, she felt distant.

No longer would she hug him or take his hand. The little kisses they’d steal from each other were becoming less and less frequent. He noticed but didn’t say a thing.

Was she scared? Was she hurt? Had he done something that made her feel bad?

He didn’t ask. He didn’t want to push her to say something she didn’t want to. Yet, the worry wouldn’t leave him. Not when every time he tried to reach for her hand, she pulled away. Or whenever he gifted her a seashell, she’d have this look as if she were about to cry.

But they’d gone through worst. They’d fought for so long for this, they could fix it. Sora could fix it. All they needed-

“Sora, I think we should break up.”

-was time.

“What?” Sora asked. His voice broke, but the question caught him so off guard, he didn’t bother trying to get it back to normal. “What do you mean, Kairi? D-did I do anything wrong?”

Kairi shook her head lightly.

“That’s not it,” she said. “You’ve nothing less than wonderful.”

“Then what happened?” Sora asked. The anxiety on his chest continued to rise up, breaking through his ribs, up his throat. He was shaking.

“You’re not happy,” she said simply. As if she weren’t in pain. As if this wasn’t hard on both of them. “Not with me. I can see something bothers you, but you never _say_ a thing.”

“There’s nothing wrong!” he said. It didn’t taste like a lie, because he wanted to believe it too. That this was alright. And he didn’t feel like he was falling apart.

“There is!” Kairi said. Her voice finally broke, and the tears began to form in the corner of her eyes. “But you won’t tell _me_! You love me, you trust me…but not enough to share _this_ with me!”

 _There’s no **this**_ , Sora wanted to say. But his breathing was so erratic he could barely form words anymore.

“I know you send Riku voice messages all the time,” she continued. Her shoulders were shaking, but she was doing a good job keeping her voice steady. Almost like she was fine. “And that’s alright! If he helps you, I think you should always reach out but-…It hurts that you trust him more than you trust me.”

“I-I,” Sora tried to say. His head was pounding so much, he couldn’t form a single sentence. The cold in his arms was hurting so much he couldn’t move. The black pit in his chest only seemed to grow with every second, and Sora didn’t _know_ what to do.

“You’re not happy with me,” Kairi said. “Not in the way you should. And if this is our happily ever after, then you should be! I don’t want to be the reason why you’re miserable! I love you, Sora. As a friend and something more. That’s why I can’t let you suffer, just because of what you think you _should_ have.”

Sora’s eyes tried to focus on Kairi, on the things she was saying. But all he could see was the way her eyes shimmered with tears. The way her lips were trembling, and how her frame seemed so frail against the sea.

His home wasn’t here.

His ‘usual’ wasn’t there.

Whatever _this_ was. It wasn’t for him to take.

Not even here, not even in Destiny Islands and by Kairi’s side, did he fit in. He was a broken puzzle, an extra piece. Something that shouldn’t _be_.

His job was done. He should be back home.

“Sora?” Kairi asked. He couldn’t see her, but the way she called his name resonated. “Sora! Answer to me!”

Kairi’s hand reached for his. They touched for a second.

It was like fire. The sudden surge from what little remained inside of Sora. He could feel her worry, along with her pain and fear. It burnt him so much, he almost cried. Unable to hold it inside, he yanked his arm away.

“You’re freezing…” she murmured. Her eyes returned to him, wide and full of something Sora couldn’t know if it was panic or anger. Maybe it was both. “Sora! What happened!?”

The recoil of her shout made him feel worst. All there was inside him was fear and pain as if no other emotion had been allowed inside his heart. He hated it.

Kairi tried to reach out again. This time, Sora pulled away before she could. He didn’t want to feel again. All that fear and anger. He wanted to go home. He wanted to-…

He began running away.

“Sora! Come back!”

He ran and ran, hoping he could get lost in the islands. Hoping that if he ran as fast as he could, as far as he could get, maybe he could reach where he was meant to be.

 _‘Go back,’_ he kept thinking _. ‘Go back. Go back! Like everyone else!”_

Back…

Back to where they were always meant to be.

Because wherever that place was, was not _here_. Not in the Islands, not by Sora’s side.

When he reached the end of the island, the questions were still unanswered. His surroundings were still so familiar, yet so strange. He stared at the water, for a moment wishing he could leave. To get away from the island, away from everything and just curl up in the infinite space.

That’s when he remembered the gummi ship. It was standing a few meters away, hidden by the palm leaves. It laid unused, perfectly still. Sora gulped as he reached for it. All the thoughts he should be having seemed to vanish.

He climbed in and set course.

To where?

A bitter laugh escaped him.

He didn’t know where home was. Or what path he should take to reach it. And now that he was on his way, all there was around him was a dark empty space. Sora set the autopilot. Set a curse to wherever, anywhere. He didn’t care.

He simply curled up in his place, shivering as the cold continued to grow in his arms. He wondered if Kairi would be searching for him. If so, would that mean he ruined her happy life? Her new school days? He didn’t want that. He wanted with all his heart for her to move on. To smile and laugh with the rest.

Because now, they all had a place they could fit right into.

“Maybe it’s better if I just disappear,” he whispered. “They’ll all be happy if they don’t have to worry about me.” 

He closed his eyes, not bothering to check where the gummi ship was headed. Right then, all he wanted was to sleep.

* * *

Kairi had thought Sora rushed back to his house.

She was wrong.

When she arrived the next day, trying to make amends, Sora’s mother said he didn’t come back that night.

 _‘He’s just hiding,’_ she tried to tell herself. So, she searched. In between Islands, in between rocks, in between houses and different places to explore. She called him from the gummi phone for hours, but it went dead, not even going to voicemail. It was probably turned off, completely dead. 

An entire day she was searching until she realized Sora was not there. And he was not coming home any time soon.

As soon as the realization hit her, she called.

First Riku, but he didn’t answer. With all the anger and desperation in her, she cursed loudly. Once, twice, as many times as she could.

“Why are you never here when I need you!?” she screamed. It wasn’t true. Riku was always there to help them both out. But right then, she was shaking in pure worry.

Just as her heavy breathing started mellowing, her phone rang. It was Roxas.

“Hey, Kairi,” he said. “Is Sora with you? I-I had a feeling…and when I tried to call him, he didn’t answer-”

“Sora’s gone,” she said. She wasn’t sure how she managed not to crack as she said those words.

“What-”

“We had an argument yesterday,” she continued. She was heaving. “He ran, and now I can’t find him-!”

“I’m on my way,” he said quickly. Even trough the static of the phone call, Kairi noticed how his voice went up. High pitched, filled with regret. “Tell Riku-”

“Riku’s not here,” she managed to say.

“What do you mean ‘he’s not here’!” Roxas' voice quickly turned to anger. It was normal. With his emotions on the extreme, it was easy to move from one to another in a matter of seconds. Kairi herself hadn’t been able to stop crying and shouting as the day had gone by.

“He doesn’t answer his phone-,” she sniffed, wiping away a stray tear. “-And he’s with the king.” 

“That asshole better _have_ a better excuse than a _mouse_!” Roxas’ yelled so loud it hurt Kairi’s ear. “I’ll bring him home, even if I have to tear his limbs apart and sew them back together in the Islands.”

“Please do,” she said with a watery laugh. “Have you talked to Ventus?”

“No, please, give him a call,” Roxas replied. His voice was still loud, yelling. But he seemed calmer somehow.

“Okay,” she replied.

She hung up.

Slowly, she let her body fall to the ground. She was worried, unsure of what had happened. In her mind, she couldn’t stop replaying the terrified look Sora had shot him. Nor the way his smile had dimmed more and more until the day she decided to break up. She had thought it was a good idea. But…

She stared at her hand, still feeling in her tips the coldness of Sora’s touch. It was icy, completely empty. It had scared her. Sora had always been warm enough to melt. Back when they were kids, she always tried to wrestle away from his hugs during summer because they were so hot. And in winter, she’d cuddle up with him just to feel that silent warmth a bit more.

What had happened?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i kept listening to the song Therefore You & Me by Eve. My mind just went to this, and I decided to write it. This is going to be 100% self indulgent.


	2. an unfulfilled relationship

Riku was well aware that Sora and Kairi loved each other. Ever since he was a kid, he’d seen it. How they would sneak out before daybreak and share candy past their bedtime. It didn’t take a genius to see how they hushed whispers during sleepovers. Or to see how Sora’s eyes would shine whenever he saw Kairi or the way Kairi smiled the brightest whenever Sora gave her a hug.

He’d known. For the longest time, he’d known.

And for the longest time, the distinctive feeling of an aching heart resonated inside his chest. An ache that wouldn’t wash away, no matter how many times he tried. A kind of ache that seeped inside, until it ate away what little light remained. 

His reason for destroying the islands, his deepest shame encrusted in the most remote part of his heart.

It had been painful to face it and torture to accept it.

That no matter how much he wanted that smile to be directed at him, or how much he longed for those hushed whispers underneath covers, they weren’t meant for him.

They never were. Never would.

Through dreams, he could hope. And it was those seconds in between daydreams and nightmares, in which Riku found strength. If he couldn’t have that smile directed at him – if he couldn’t have _Sora’s_ hand stretched out to reach his – then he’d protect it.

Because as long as Sora was there, as long as he continued to shine brighter than the stars in the sky, Riku could be happy. Could fall asleep through the pain of a broken heart, knowing that he did everything right. He protected what mattered. He’d become strong enough to see Sora glow and bloom in the wake of the dawn.

Yet, he wasn’t strong enough to watch.

It was cowardly, to a point. Running away from the inevitable, faking blindness as he watched Kairi hold Sora’s hand in hers. Most days, he didn’t dare turn on his gummiphone, too scared to find Sora’s smile in a picture with Kairi by his side. Too scared to face intertwined hands, loving eyes, and a happy ever after he could never have.

And while it _hurt_ to leave behind his best friend, he knew he couldn’t stay. The pain of separation was nothing compared to the one of heartbreak. Nor was it comparable to his yearning for a world beyond the Islands. Or so he told himself, time and time again.

A new world. A new adventure. A new mission by the King. Anything at all to keep his mind from stilling and lingering a bit too long on ocean eyes that shimmered with the intensity of the sun.

It had been his last attempt to leave behind these feelings. To move on and let his best friends love each other as they had ever since they were kids.

Like it was always meant to be.

_Slap._

He hadn’t expected this.

“What were you thinking!?” her voice was a shrill, anger exploding from her mouth.

Riku tried not to let his eyes linger too long on her eyes. They were puffy with tears overflowing, a terrifying glare showing, which only fed the guilt that bubbled up in him. He’d never seen Kairi’s face so red. From her cheeks to her eyes, all glowing with intensity from the sheer amount of rage that flooded her.

“Sorry,” he managed to say. He couldn’t think of anything else to say. His mind hadn’t caught up with anything yet, and his body was paralyzed in shock.

It shouldn’t have surprised him when the fury in her eyes only grew. It was almost as if he’d unleashed a demon, raging through anything and anyone who dared cross her path. Kairi reached for the collar of his shirt, bringing him down a couple of inches so they were at eye level.

“ _Sorry_!? That’s _all_ you can say!?” her voice cracked from how high she was screaming. “Where were you!? **_Where_** _were you!?_ What was so important you couldn’t even pick up your damn phone?!”

There was nothing.

“I’m sorry,” he said again. His cheek was still throbbing, but he couldn’t feel the pain. All he could feel was guilt, shame. Find each and every fault he ever did, reflected in Kairi’s eyes.

He couldn’t tell if it made her angrier, or more helpless. Million of emotions shifted through her lapis-coloured soul until all that was left was anguish.

“He needed you!” she screamed again.

_He had you. You were there with him. That’s all he needed._

Riku desperately wanted to say that. But the strength in him had long left.

“Sorry,” he said again.

With all the strength her petite body could muster, she threw him to the side. Normally, she wouldn’t be able to move him with so much ease. His body was massive and, even with her training, Kairi wasn’t particularly strong. She was only _barely_ taller than Sora. Her strength was speed and magic, not physical attacks.

But Riku could barely react in those moments. His body felt like tissue, easily swayed by the wind. And Kairi was angry. All reservations and limitations seemed to evaporate after she reached the breaking point.

In that second, it was easy for her to hurt him.

“Kairi!” it was Roxas’ voice, Riku barely managed to hear. “Stop!”

“I want him back!” she cried, trashing through the arms that went to restrain her. “It’s not fair! He should be here! He should be happy! It’s all my fault!”

As if cracking with those last words, a sob escaped her. All energy evaporated, as she fell to the ground. Her hands dragged to her face, hiding her tear-soaked face.

“It’s all my fault,” she whimpered. “He’s gone and it’s my fault…”

Riku’s words were stuck in his throat. She was wrong. This wasn’t her fault. This wasn’t-…

This wasn’t what he’d wanted.

“Why…?” she continued to ask. She was desperate. Trying to cling to a reason, a meaning. All she wanted was someone to scream at, to yell at. Riku couldn’t blame her.

He wanted to scream at himself too.

“Why weren’t you there…?”

Riku stared at her. Blue eyes tinted wine defeated in her own heart. The answer came tumbling out, as he tore away from her gaze.

“I was scared.”

* * *

As the days went by, the air around them became thicker. With worry, with anxiety, with fear and helplessness. From the corner of his eyes, he could see them running from place to place, searching for whatever they could find. Any last thread they could grasp at, any tiny clue they could see.

Riku himself wasn’t sure what to do. His own body didn’t answer to him, maybe still in shock. Maybe in denial. Maybe, completely giving up on redemption. He wasn’t sure. All he knew, was that he could barely move. And when he did, all he could do was search. Aimlessly search through things that already existed, through memories he thought Sora would still linger in.

In their Secret Place, in Radiant Garden, in Twilight Town, at the edges of the world. Like a clock, he’d search for those places time and time again. Repeating endlessly, as if he were the ticking of the hours. There were a few heartless still around. Riku’d fight them, in an almost mechanical way. With no real purpose, other than to keep searching.

“You’re pathetic,” Roxas said.

Riku didn’t stop his pace. He continued to walk, continued to search. In places, he knew Sora wouldn’t be.

“You’re not helping anyone,” Roxas said again. This time, he walked in front of Riku, blocking his path. “And you’re definitely not helping _him_.”

Riku knew. He didn’t move away, nor he tried to meet Roxas’ eyes.

“What? Playing the silence game again?” Roxas said. His voice was growing in anger. Lately, it seemed like everyone ever did was get angry at him. They all wanted to lash out. To scream. To shout. To blame someone. Riku was the easiest target. “Look at me!”

Riku did. Roxas’ eyes widened. Riku wasn’t sure what he saw, he wasn’t even sure what he had become this past few days. But whatever it was, it made Roxas step back. It wasn’t common for Roxas to show his emotions so openly. And when he did, it was only at Sora, Axel or Xion. Aside from the desperation of his last days, Riku hadn’t seen any type of feeling reflected in his eyes.

But at that moment, there was. Visible, palpable. Hidden in between confusion and attempts to control his emotions, there it was.

The slightest hint of fear.

“You’re going mad,” he said. The perturbed expression from before was gone. “Snap out of it.”

Riku didn’t answer.

“If you wanna go all crazy for Sora again, fine!” Roxas exclaimed, taking a step forward. He was trembling slightly, just like he had before. Back when Riku and he were on opposite sides. Back when Sora was an enemy for Roxas to overcome. “But you’re not helping him! This is not like before! We don’t know where he is! And you wandering around killing anyone who gets near, _isn’t_ gonna help!”

He was right. Riku knew it. And yet…

“Snap out of it!” Roxas’ yell was almost a growl. “We need you! He needs you!”

“He…” Riku’s voice came out hoarse. From the yells as he’d slaughtered heartless, from cries at the empty nights. From his own pain tearing through his body. “…he doesn’t.”

“Are you blind!? You’re his friend!” Roxas shouted again. He pushed Riku as if trying to shake some sense into him. “He needs you! He needs all of us! He’s too dumb to get out of this mess alone!”

A chuckle. Riku couldn’t help to let it out, remembering the days in Destiny Islands when Sora would come crying to him because he broke his mother’s vase. Or the time they got lost in the forest and had to wait until help came.

The tiniest of smiles formed in Roxas’ lips.

“Right! I bet he’s slacking off! Asleep somewhere, and he missed the time to come back! Who’s gonna go wake him then, huh? You can’t expect _us_ to do it. That’s your job!”

“Yeah…” slowly, the shine in his eyes returned. Riku found he could breathe, and the world cleared a bit. “I have to make sure he’s not lazing around…”

Roxas's knees gave out. A breathy laugh escaped him, to which Riku kneeled down to help. His hand was slapped away, but he didn’t miss the way Roxas was smiling as if the world’s weight had been lifted off his shoulders.

“Damn right,” he said in a huff.

* * *

By the time Riku reached the paopu tree by the shore, she’d run out of tears to cry.

Her head was throbbing, and the setting sun hurt her eyes. Yet, there was no strength left in her body. She couldn’t move, she couldn’t run. Couldn’t even bring herself to look up, as Riku walked towards her.

With her legs raised up and knees against her chest, she sat on the paopu tree, an empty space by her side. It burnt worse than any type of flames, and the coldness that enveloped her heart was bitingly strong. The redness in her eyes prickled again. There were no tears left, yet the pressure behind her eyes remained. The sadness continued on, breaking through what little was left of her. All she could do was cling to her own body, in hopes _that_ wouldn’t vanish.

They stood there in silence. The tide, rising and falling at the edge of their feet, was the only sound in between them. Yet the weight of spoken words pierced their ears like a needle slowly inching closer until it eventually broke.

The one to cave in was Kairi.

“Why are you here?” she asked. Her voice was all broken, raspy and wet. She’d steeled herself so it didn’t shake, but that wasn’t enough to hide all she felt. Riku knew her too well. 

It took a while before Riku spoke.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

Kairi wanted to punch him so bad.

“ _Sorry_ doesn’t bring Sora back,” she tried to spit venom with her voice. But it betrayed her, and it came out like a whimper. A lost, fragile thing.

“I know,” he replied. “I’ll bring him back, I promise.”

“Then what?” Kairi managed to ask. She felt like a hollow shell of what she used to be. Her words made Riku flinch. “We bring him back, and then he disappears again? He wasn’t happy here, Riku. And I don’t know how to fix it.”

“You will find how,” he said. “You always have. You just have to stay together-”

“We broke up,” Kairi said. The weight inside her heart finally set free, but it felt like the guilt tripled. “Just before he left.”

“What?”

Kairi didn’t need to read minds to know he was surprised. There’s a reason why she didn’t tell the others. Part of it was selfishness. A need to fool herself. That her saying ‘ _we need to break up’_ wasn’t a part of why Sora left.

But another part, the bigger part, was simply aware of how difficult it would be. To say, that they’d broken up. That it was over. They all had an idea of who they were. They had an idea of them, so linked to how they felt each other. And with it gone, it would make everyone question, not only who they appeared to be with each other, but to the world.

 _This_ would shatter _everything_.

“Things weren’t working out,” she confessed. The glittering shimmer of the sky against the ocean was fading away. Only leaving the faint darkness of a sun that’s about to set. “He felt distant. And I knew that it wasn’t because he didn’t care for me. Or that he wasn’t trying. His heart just wasn’t there. His heart wasn’t mine. And I didn’t want to force him to be with me when he clearly wanted something else.”

“Something else?” Riku spoke. His tone was slowly growing more irritated. Kairi knew it wasn’t against her, but she couldn’t help the guilt that slowly crawled up. “He didn’t want anything else! He wanted you, he wanted a happy ever after, just like everyone! Didn’t you want it too?”

“Of course I do!” she yelled. Her fists were trembling. “Of course I wanted a happy ever after with him…Of course, I wanted to be by his side! Of course, I wanted…so badly for him to love me! But he didn’t!”

“You don’t know that!”

“Well, neither do you!” Kairi finally raised her head. Her eyes were fixated on Riku’s. Fire-fuelled ocean eyes, against a frightened teal. “Face it! We both failed him! I wasn’t who he needed, and you weren’t there when he needed it!”

The continuous echo of the waves. The seagulls flying away, as the rocks beneath them cower. Kairi lets her fists fall to the bark of the tree, all her anger floating away like the bubbles of the sea.

“He loves you,” Riku said again. His tone was final. Definitive.

“He loves you too,” she replied, plucking a leave from the paopu tree. “And he loves Roxas and Xion. He loves Namine and Ventus. He loves everyone, Riku.”

“You were special,” he insisted. Slowly, Kairi began shredding the leave into tiny pieces.

“In a way,” she shrugged. “But not special in the way you think. Not in the ‘special someone’ way, at least. I was a friend. Maybe his closest friend… He needed me but not in the way I needed him. I wasn’t _The_ one…”

“You were.”

“At some point,” she said. The little pieces of leaves began filling her hand. She was nervous, scared. She began tearing them into smaller parts. “I still remember, you know? His wide eyes when I complimented him. His endless smile whenever I gifted him something. The hushed whispers, the silent promises…He loved me, and I loved him. We were connected.”

“But something changed. Who knows when, or how...But it did. Little by little. Piece by piece. Until what was left was something that didn’t resemble what it had started like. Maybe it was him? Or was it me? Was it me, the one who changed? Or was it him, who didn’t? I thought it wouldn’t matter. He was still Sora, so I could still pretend to be ‘Kairi’. The Kairi of his precious memories.” Kairi felt her red eyes start to shed tears again. This time they weren’t hot and filled with pain. They were cool; reminiscent. A yearning for something you no longer wanted to hold. “But then, _he_ changed! And I still loved him, changes and all. But he didn’t love the changed me. Did he even love the ‘ _unchanged’_ me…? I waited for him. I really did. Thinking, ‘someday, Kairi. Someday, he’ll say it. That you are the one he chose. That you are his _very_ special one…’ But it never happened. He never said it. And the more time went on…the more I realized it was because…he didn’t think it. He couldn’t say what he didn’t mean. And I was foolishly holding on to something that was no longer there-!”

The wind came blowing by, scattering the pieces of broken leaves inside Kairi’s palm. She tried to grab them, but they were so small she couldn’t even touch them. Some fell to the ground and mixed with the sand, some flew away and never returned. A few, maybe two or three, remained in her hand.

“Should I have held on? Should I have tied him to me, even when he didn’t want it? When he yearned for something else?”

“You don’t know if he wanted something else,” Riku tried to reason. He was still standing by her side. It was so like him, to help her when Sora wasn’t there. A smile bloomed in her face.

“Of course he did,” she replied. “I needed to be blind not to see it.”

“What was it?” Riku asked.

She didn’t bother to give him a reply. The answer was obvious, but she wasn’t about to give it to her rival.

She wiped away her hands, dusting off the little leaves back into the sand.

“He wanted something I couldn’t give. So, I let him go.” Her eyes were staring at those same pieces of sand that stole her sky away. “I thought it was the right thing... I thought you’d be there-!”

She took a fistful of sand and threw it at Riku. He shielded it with ease, but it still felt like a win.

“But you weren’t! I trusted you! I trusted you’d be there. I thought it’d be okay if I let go. I thought he’d be happier. I admitted it! I lost-!” Kairi trembled as she continued to ramble. It was the truth. She had been so ready to let it go. Let go of Sora’s smile directed at her. The shared whispers, the hopeful promises, the way his eyes stared at her like she was the brightest star in the night. Through the flurry of memories, her voice began cracking. A chocked-out sob escaped her, as the wetness in her cheeks rolled down. “-And now he’s gone!”

She stumbled forward, slipping off the paopu tree. When her feet touched the ground, she felt all strength leave her. With nothing left to hold on to, she let her weight drop. Sitting quietly on the ground, she grabbed another fistful of sand. She wanted to throw, but her eyes were so full of tears she wouldn’t be able to aim.

“I’ll bring him back,” Riku said. The breeze rushed through them, carrying the leaves of the paopu tree within them. “ _We’ll_ bring him back. Maybe he was scared, or worried. You _can’t_ know it. Once he’s back, you’ll see he loves you.”

 _Things would be easier if that were true,_ Kairi wanted to say. She didn’t dare say it. Perhaps – she wanted to fool herself – she hadn’t lost. Not yet, at least. Maybe, if Riku wasn’t willing to take the crown, maybe _she_ could hold Sora’s hand again.

But truly, hadn’t she been telling herself that for the past year? Forcing the relationship, leading a zombie by the neck? It was pointless. Still, she nodded. If anything, to stop their fight. She was tired, completely wrung out of force. The last thing she wanted, was to keep fighting with her dear friend.

Riku offered her a hand, an offer of truce. Just like back when they were kids. When they would fight for the same toy, pranking each other until they were both tired. Riku was always the first one to offer his hand. He was the older one, the one to take care of his younger friend. After it was over, they’d laugh and rush to continue their teasing on each other.

Kairi’s eyes softened at the memory. Her hand stretched out; she reached forward. Riku pulled her up, as she stumbled lightly unto her feet. A moment of silence; of just the two of them staring into each other.

Finally, she couldn’t take it.

Lunging forward, she wrapped her arms around Riku. She brought them together, a hug that felt might have felt one-sided. But she’d known Riku long enough to know, he needed this as much as she did.

Hesitantly, Riku reached to return it. She didn’t laugh at how awkward he was, she was too tired to do so. But she smiled. Knowingly, deep down Riku hadn’t changed that much. He was still the sweet, kind-hearted knight she knew as a kid.

The only real difference now was that, what searched to protect more than anything, wasn’t Kairi anymore. It had been pointless to get angry at Riku. He had been trying to protect Sora. But the way he did…

“It’ll be okay,” he reassured her. And despite all, she trusted his words. “I promise.”

They pulled away, and only then did Kairi notice his tears. They were silent, almost unnoticeable. Just like the pain Riku always carried inside his heart.

“Kairi! Riku!” A yell came from far away.

The sun had set. There was only the dim light of a few oil lamps by the trees. But even through darkness, they recognized who was rushing towards them.

“Roxas?” Kairi asked. Riku turned around, wiping away his tears. Kairi moved to meet him halfway. “What happened?”

Even with his face half-illuminated, Kairi could see his expression. Filled with terror, filled with dread. It struck them both, suddenly the worst came to mind.

“It’s Xion-!” he cried, hands shaking. “-She’s not answering!”

* * *

When Sora opened his eyes, he was nowhere. At least, nowhere he knew. The gummiship had landed in a place that wasn’t in any of the maps he knew. It was a desolated place, with nothing left inside. It was only a giant rock, with pieces of itself crumbling at the edges. Nothing was left, more than Sora.

Or so he thought.

He wandered through the emptiness of the little rock, trying to map out where he was, what he was doing there, anything at all. But much like back in Destiny Islands, he couldn’t. All he found was nothingness glaring right at him.

Eventually, he dropped. His feet hurt; his heart ached. All he wanted to do was sleep. Succumb to the slumber, hoping it would stop the loneliness that grew like poison ivy in his chest.

But just as he was falling asleep, the slow sound of steps echoed. Tethering footsteps, growing near until they stopped a few centimetres away from where Sora was curled up.

“What. The. Fuck.”

Sora blinked slowly; the inside of his head was all mushy, but he recognized that voice. If it had been anyone else’s, maybe panic would have flooded him. Most likely, he’d flee, running away from the burning ache that having _them_ near caused. 

But this voice…it brought him calm. In a way. So, he closed his eyes again, and let sleep wash over.

“I asked you a question,” he said again, a small amount of anger in his voice.

Sora wanted to argue that ‘what the fuck’ wasn’t _exactly_ a question. But he was still so tired. He didn’t move.

“Hey! Answer me! Are you dead!?” he said, this time kicking Sora in the shoulder. Sora didn’t bother fighting it, letting his body slump over at the slightest motion. “Hey! Answer me!”

With hesitance, Sora propped up with his arms. His face was covered in dirt and in his cheeks, the marks of tears still remained. He felt and, probably, looked like a mess. But still, he found the smallest bit of strength inside him. Enough to push out the happy-go-lucky tone he used all the time.

“Vanitas,” he called. A small, wavering smile crept up his face. “Hi.”

“Don’t ‘hi’ me,” Vanitas replied, scoffing at his way. He was sitting a couple of steps away, on a barren rock that was very much uncomfortable to sit on. “What is wrong with you? You look like hell.”

Sora didn’t know what to answer to that. So he let out a tiny laugh, hoping it could mask the turmoil he was going through.

At the sign that Sora wasn’t going to say anything, Vanitas continued.

“Why are _you_ even _here_?”

Sora flinched. He couldn’t answer that. Mostly, because he didn’t know where ‘here’ was. Or why he was there. He didn’t know anything. All he knew was that he was lost. Unable to find his way back home.

Unable to call anywhere, a home.

Despite how much he tried to appear strong, or how much he tried to hold on to the smile in his face…At that moment, he just broke.

His smile faltered. His eyes filled with tears. His arms dropped.

He bawled.

Sora felt stupid for crying, but he couldn’t stop it. It was like a barricade had been lifted, and everything was flooding in. Too much, too quickly. All he could do was feel, even when his mind remained empty, unsure of what was even _wrong_.

He felt Vanitas tense by his side. The boy was severely confused, unsure of where to look or go, as Sora continued to cry. Vanitas had expected a lot of things when he saw Sora. For the other boy to start cussing or talk about friendship. Maybe even try to get Vanitas on their side – once again.

He hadn’t expected Sora to start crying with no prompting at all. The logical option should be to leave.

But as he stared down to the boy crying by his feet, he couldn’t find the strength to do so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> was this just an excuse to expand on kairi's character??? mayhaps. 
> 
> i had a lot of fun writing this fic. mostly because i like to explore what kairi feels. since i think in canon she /does/ love sora in a romantic way - at least at some point-. Also i really enjoy writing rikai friendship. it heals the soul tbh. 
> 
> next chapter will be focusing on xion.


	3. a mirror with no reflection

At the news that Sora had disappeared, Xion froze up. She could listen to the shouts, see the blurs of people running, and feel the inevitable push from others they all rushed to find him. However, as she stared at the emptiness before her, she couldn’t find it in herself to move. Or even react.

In the middle of the usual spot, amidst the chaos of Roxas’ shouting and Namine’s sobs, Xion was there. Planted, unreactive. With fish eyes that couldn’t focus, and a body that felt built out of ice.

Because there was something wrong. Something that, in everyone’s hurried attempts to contact every living being in the universe, had failed to notice.

Their _connection_ was severed.

Or was it only hers?

“Xion, let’s go!” Roxas called. His voice was distant. It only reached her because it was _Roxas_ , and she’d die rather than make him feel alone again. “Hurry! We need to go!”

She nodded, focusing her gaze on something other than the floor. The dizziness that overtook her was strange. Usually, when she fell ill or weak, her mind felt buzzed out. As if filled with static.

But this time, that same dizziness reached all the way unto her body, unto her very core. She could feel her stomach swirling, ready to spill out. It was a miracle she even managed to step forward, reach for Roxas’ hand and follow.

Deep down, she felt it. There was something wrong. Something missing, something that was slowly making her both weaker and stronger.

“Are you okay?” Axel asked once they were in the gummi ship. No doubt her entire face was pale. Her hands gripped the side of her seat tightly enough to leave marks.

Xion shook her head vehemently.

“Is it the gummi ship?” Saix asked by Axel’s side. “Too fast?”

“I-It’s not that,” she replied. “I just feel…weird.”

“Weird how?” Saix kneeled down in front of her. Xion couldn’t help the swell of affection that began rising in her chest. Ever since he came back, Saix was especially kind to her. Always ready to make it better, if Xion felt the slightest bit uncomfortable. She always wondered why but never found the courage to actually ask. “Do you need to rest?”

She wanted to explain. Wanted to say just how _weird_ everything was. But truth be told, she herself didn’t know. All she knew, was that something was happening.

And it scared her.

So, instead, she dropped her head forward, resting it careful against Saix’s.

“Rest sounds nice,” she replied, blinking slowly. Tiredness easily washing over her as Saix’s arms went to her shoulders.

“Alright,” he said. Xion closed her eyes. The last thing she heard was Saix’s soft call as she let her weight drop. “ _Alright_.”

She let herself be embraced by the kindness of sleep. The type she hadn’t known before being a somebody. A dream-filled sleep, comfortable in the way it came. Painless at the wake.

* * *

No matter how long stared down, at the boy crying by his feet, Vanitas found he couldn’t move away. No matter how much he _wanted_ to turn around and leave, his body just wouldn’t answer. He was fixated in his spot, forced to stare with trembling fists at Sora.

The flashing memory of a stretched-out hand and a sunshine smile crossed his mind. A voice that offered him a second chance. A chance he refused.

“Agh!” Vanitas groaned as loud as he could, starling Sora. “I hate you so much!”

With another frustrated groan, he dropped to the ground. He grabbed Sora’s face and roughly began wiping away the tears with his wrist. The strangled whimper that Sora let out almost – _almost_ – made him smile, but he held it in as he continued to rub the squishy cheeks of the boy until they were bright red.

Sora never once pulled away.

The wailing didn’t stop, but at least Sora's face wasn’t covered in tears and snot. Of course, Vanitas wasn’t being gentle. It was more than obvious, after a few wipes, that he was probably hurting Sora more than he was drying him. 

“I-I’m s-s…sorry,” Sora tried to say. But he was babbling, chocking on his own tears. It would have been a completely lost message if it had been someone other than Vanitas.

“If you’re sorry, stop crying!” Vanitas yelled. He rubbed Sora’s eyes, which were starting to dry. Little hiccups escaped Sora’s mouth, as the shaking finally stopped.

It took a couple of minutes, but Sora was no longer a crying mess. Other than the occasional sniff, no other sound came from the boy. And while his face was beet red, it was probably due to Vanitas’ frantic rubbing. Not his little outburst.

Good.

“Alright, now that you stopped being a baby,” Vanitas spoke, standing up. “Let’s get you the hell back to your home.”

Vanitas noticed the small flinch in Sora’s frame. With a raised eyebrow, he turned to the boy. He was met with a blank expression and hands holding his shirt so tight his knuckles turned white.

“You listening?” Vanitas asked.

“No.”

“What!? You’re not listening?!”

“I’m not going back,” Sora said.

“What do you mean, you're ‘not going back’?” Vanitas asked, furrowed brows as he looked at the boy. “Do you even _know_ where you are?”

Sora shook his head.

“You’re at the Graveyard of Hearts, dumbass,” Vanitas replied. “Here’s where hearts that no longer have connections to the world, come to rot. You don’t belong here.”

Yet, Sora didn’t make any effort to move from his spot. He stayed there, frozen in place.

Vanitas’ anger was quick to raise.

“Are you an idiot?! You’re done for if you stay here! You’ll either get consumed by darkness or disappear! Is that what you want?!”

There a moment of silence. A moment in which Sora seemed to be counting words, while Vanitas only felt rage bubbling more and more.

Finally, Sora opened his mouth.

“I don’t have anywhere else to go,” was all he said.

“Bullshit,” was the immediate answer from Vanitas; deadpan. Then the anger made its way quick in his face. “Don’t you have friends or something!? _‘My friends are my power! Yadah, yadah!’_ You never shut up about them!”

“…” Sora remained silent. He curled up further, bringing his knees closer to his chest, face hiding in the little gap in between.

No answer came, no matter how much Vanitas waited. Which only caused him to grow more and more irritated.

“Oh, come on!” he half-yelled through gritted teeth. “You’re impossible! Let’s go, I’ll get you out of here.”

Vanitas went to reach for Sora’s hand but was stopped by a voice. Sora’s voice, although it barely sounded like him. It was all gloomy and tired, but it was definitely coming from Sora’s mouth. Vanitas could only stare.

“…Why,” Sora began, slowly. His voice was so frail. Vanitas felt like it would break any seconds, with the slightest of breeze. “…do you want me to go back? I thought you didn’t care…”

“I _don’t_ ,” Vanitas clarified. He sighed, dropping his weight back to the ground. His back against the rock, he stared at the endless space that grew above them. “I’m stuck here. Unlike you, I don’t have a little buddy to bring me back to the realm of light. But I can’t disappear, and I’m already darkness! So, I'm stuck here, and I don't wanna be stuck with _you_.”

“Do you…wanna go back?” Sora asked.

“I couldn’t care less,” Vanitas shrugged. That was a lie. But the little hero didn’t need to know that. “What I care about is that you are here. And I don’t _plan_ to be here with you for all eternity.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, so pack up, bitch,” Vanitas said. “We’re getting you back home. I don’t want your lame ass lying around here. If you’re gonna die, do it out my sight!”

There was a soft laugh. Vanitas turned to his side, watching the faint smile in Sora’s face. It was blindingly bright, like the one he’d seen those times before when the two had battled against each other. It had never been directed at him.

It was the first time someone had seen Vanitas with so much happiness. Almost as if he were _fun_ to be around.

Which was crazy. He wasn’t fun to be around.

“Thanks for caring,” was all he said.

Vanitas didn’t answer. He _didn’t_ care. There was no way he cared. Not even a little bit. No matter how much his non-existent heart said otherwise.

* * *

Xion woke up a few days later in her provisional room at the Mystery Tower. She hadn't been feeling great the past few days, barely even noticing or keeping up o how the search for Sora was going. At all moments, she felt like something inside her was changing. Like something that had always been there was slowly fading away. It was tiring her out. So much that she spent the past days, sleeping from dawn to dusk. Never once feeling like she was tired. 

It was confusing, in all sorts of ways. 

That day hadn't been much different. Waking up just as the sun had finished setting, being greeted by nothing but darkness. The first she saw when she opened her eyes, was the ceiling. It reminded her of her time back in the Organization. Back when she would slip in and out of unconsciousness. Between feeling like herself and feeling like a complete stranger that was invading that body.

That's when she felt it. It started with a heartbeat. Slow, steady. 

She moved her hand up, towards the ceiling, in an attempt to identify what was _happening_ in her. Blue eyes could barely focus on her fingers and her mind felt strangely mushy. With hesitance, in her trance, she began to close her fists.

Slowly. Very softly. Feeling each muscle move, each little bit of skin stretching and pulling. And as she watched, the sensation inside her chest continued to morph. Thumping. Growling. The sound of the beats getting louder until they became thunder and echo. Before her eyes, it took the form of a glistering string. Golden and so, so faint. 

If before it felt like a snapping rope. Now all she felt was a single thread. Barely hanging, barely containing itself from completely cleaving whatever had once been there.

“Sora,” Xion called.

She closed her hand. Almost like she was trying to grab that same thread with bare hands. But no matter how much she clenched her fists - there was nothing there. She clenched tighter, with a strain that caused her eyes to fill with tears.

The more she tried to cling on to that little piece of string there was, the more it hurt. It was like she was slowly ripping apart the seams of her own doll-like body. Yet, she didn’t stop. Even as the pain grew, and her entire body was burning up: she held on.

She held on, tightly and embarrassingly desperate.

“Don’t let go,” she begged.

Her voice felt hoarse. Completely separate from who she felt _like_. A chocked-out gasp followed. Despair ate away at her. She was a blank replica again. Alone, scared, unsure of what was happening.

Like something was missing.

“Please don’t let go,” she asked again. But her grip was slipping away. The thread was so flimsy. So delicate and frail. The more strength she put into keeping it close, the more it broke. Her entire body curled up forwards. The sobs wreaked havoc through her trembling body. “Don’t leave me alone…”

She tried to hold on. As tightly as it was humanly possible. As tightly as it was _inhumanly_ possible. But no matter how tightly she grasped, how much she held on or refused to let go.

The chord still snapped.

Xion let out a cry full of agony. Her hands went to claw at her chest. The burning sensation, of her own heart being forcefully ripped away. Just below her neck, her clavicle felt bare. Like a knife had sliced through her skin, bones and flesh. Breaking apart everything, rapturing through her entire _being_ , until only minced up meat was left.

She coughed so hard that her throat almost broke. Like being scratched from the inside out, it continued to hurt and burn. For an entire minute, she couldn’t breathe. Every time she tried to gasp air into her lungs, it was as if poison had been shoved inside them.

With a hoarse scream, Xion tumbled down from the bed. Her back hit the wall, managing to take away what little air was left on her. The distant sound of things tumbling down. Be it from the desk her hands had managed to grab on to, or pictures hung on the wall. She couldn’t be sure.

After a minute of ragged breathing, Xion finally found the strength to look down. Eyes fixated on her trembling hands, half expecting them to be covered in blood. For her blouse and chest to be dripping and bare.

To her surprise, there was none. Her eyes widened when she saw clean porcelain fingers. Her hands went to grab her chest, but it was still perfectly closed. Not a scratch, not a single mark that it had created so much pain in her. 

Her body was _fine_.

Did this mean…Sora was too?

She couldn’t be sure. She hugged her own arms, searching for warmth.

Her body was a replica. A vessel meant to contain Sora’s memories and powers. At least, originally it was. A poor copy of someone, meant to be controlled and used.

Such a cruel fate. She’d thought that once she was back in Sora’s heart, she’d disappear. All her memories and emotions, to be vanished in an ocean of what ifs.

But it hadn’t.

Instead of oblivion, Xion was met with warmth.

The kindest type of warmth. All too sweet in its embrace. Lulling her into a soft sleep, cradling her until she felt safe. Like she belonged.

For the first time, she wasn’t scared or confused. _This_ was home. A place to rest, where hurt wouldn’t be able to touch her.

And where she finally understood who _she_ was.

In the beginning, it had been hard to pin-point where she began and where Sora ended. Too blurry, to confused. But now, she knew.

Her body, her entire existence, was linked to Sora’s. Her body was hers, but it borrowed _something_ from him.

A something that would continue to connect them, even when they were apart. Not just the heart. Something bigger.

“We share a body,” she tried to reason.

Not in the physical sense. Being a replica, meant that her body was the illusion of something. That something was Sora. And while she had made it hers, it didn’t change the fact that the very core of it was made out of him.

So, if she was okay, that must mean Sora was okay too, right?

But she didn’t feel okay.

With shaky fingers, she reached for the table. An attempt to get up. From the other side of the door, she heard screaming.

“Xion!? Are you okay?!” It was Roxas.

“I’m-…” she hesitated. “…I'm not injured.”

“You sure there?” another voice asked. It was Axel’s. Xion couldn’t help the smile that grew in her mouth.

She pushed up, shaking as she found the strength to get up. Her eyes travelled towards the room, trying to make sense of what was going on.

“Yeah, I’m-…”

The words got caught in her throat. Eyes went wide. If not for her grip on the table, she’d fall down once again.

“Xion?”

Slow steps forwards. The cries from the other side of the door continued to grow. Yet they were muted against her ears. All she could focus on. All she could see was…

“Xion!” Roxas yelled. The door got opened. The loud slam against the wall cried among the room.

They found her paralyzed in front of the mirror.

“Sora…” Xion whispered. If she could see it, her face would be wide in horror. Completely disturbed as the cracked mirror continued to break.

There was nothing more than panic, slowly building up inside her chest. Big round tears began falling down her cheeks. They felt cold. No wonder. The warmth that had been radiating from her replica body was no longer there.

Because right there, in front of her. Was a mirror.

Yet, she wasn’t reflected on it.

She felt fine. Her _body_ was fine.

But realization hit her all too cruelly. Something had happened to Sora…Something was wrong, and she didn’t know how to fix it, or even how to help him-!

She fainted.

“Xion!”

The screams from everyone flooded her ears. She tried to grasp the edges of her consciousness but knew that there was no helping it.

Something was happening. And it was taking Sora away from them. From _her_.

From her heart.

“Get Riku,” Xion managed to gasp.

Even if she was part of Sora, she was the weakest link. Others would start feeling it soon enough. The way that connection was slowly breaking. And in her mind, unknowingly about what was happening, only Riku could save Sora.

After all - no matter what - he promised to protect him, right?

She could only hope.

Her eyes slowly closed and didn’t open until later that day. Once her own heart had settled down.

This time, Riku was in the room. Saix was holding her, letting her head rest against his lap, while everyone stared. Expectantly. Confused. Lonely.

From the corner of her eyes, she saw Kairi too. She was shaking like a leaf. Xion wished she could still look into Sora’s heart. There were little remains of his link with Kairi that Xion could follow.

It wasn’t much, but it would have helped know why she looked so scared.

“What happened?” the first question came from Riku. Xion wasn’t surprised.

What did pique her curiosity, was the way his voice shook as he talked. She’d never seen him so broken. Even in those _days_ , when the possibility of Sora never waking up was present, he remained steady. Like a pillar.

Maybe because he knew what he had to do. Never hesitating, because that’d mean the possibility of Sora sleeping forever. So there was no point in hesitating. Of thinking of possible scenarios. He knew what he had to do. And he did it. 

But now…No one knew. No one had a clue.

Well, no one _had_ a clue.

Now, Xion did.

She opened her mouth.

“Something's wrong with Sora."

* * *

Vanitas stared at Sora, uneasy as he watched the boy breathing heavily.

“Your body is trying to get back home,” Vanitas said with a sigh. “You have to go back!”

Sora shook his head.

“Stop being stubborn!” Vanitas yelled. He went to grab Sora’s hand, pulling him to get up. “It’s annoying!”

“I’m sorry…” Sora replied. He didn’t budge, no matter how hard Vanitas pulled. The boy offered him a shy smile, laced in melancholy. “I’m sorry, I’ll leave…”

There was something strange about Sora. Vanitas could tell that much. But couldn’t understand what or why. So, he reacted in the only way he knew how.

Anger.

“' _Sorry, sorry’_ Shut up! If you were sorry, you’d get up!” Vanitas yelled even louder.

It was then when Sora finally let up. Slowly, he followed the lead of Vanitas. For a miraculous second, Vanitas thought he’d actually get Sora to get out of the graveyard of Hearts.

Which was a moment promptly crushed by Sora stumbling on his feet and falling again.

“What’s wrong with you!?” Vanitas asked. Even with Sora on the floor, he pulled his hand.

“Sorry,” he said again. This time, he actually sounded apologetic. Like he truly didn’t know what was happening. “My legs…don’t work?”

“What do you mean they don’t work?” Vanitas asked, kneeling down to see.

First thing he noticed, was that Sora’s complexion was pale. Sickly blank, in what would usually be tanned, sunkissed skin. Then he saw mist-eyes, that wouldn’t focus on him.

“I don’t feel so good,” Sora confessed. He tried to get up again, but the strain was too much. Vanitas could tell simply by staring at his face. All scrunched up, desperately begging for the pain to subdue.

Vanitas placed his hand on Sora’s forehead. As soon as skin touched, he yanked his hand back with a hiss.

“You’re burning up!” he all but yelled. “What does that mean!?”

Sora didn’t answer, which caused Vanitas to get even angrier. At best, he had a loose knowledge of what a human being should be. He didn’t know if ‘burning’ was normal. His own body had grown so used to pain that he wasn’t entirely sure what ‘healthy’ truly meant. And to recognize it in another’s form proved to be even more difficult.

So, Vanitas was stuck. Completely disoriented, as he tried to understand what was wrong with Sora.

“I need to leave,” Sora said, attempting once more to get up.

It obviously didn’t work. He fell again, and this time Vanitas actually grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him.

“What’s wrong with you!?” he screamed. “Don’t move! I have no idea what you have!”

“It just…hurts,” he replied.

“ _How_ does it hurt?” Vanitas stressed out. At the very least, he could pinpoint what type of hurt there was. In that, he an expert. He may not know how to make it stop, but at least he’d know what it was. “Your body? Your chest? You head?”

“If I try to move,” Sora continued, he looked distressed, clinging to Vanitas hand as he panted out the word. “My arms and leg feel like they’re punched.”

“The type you heal with potions?” Vanitas asked. If they were battlefield injuries, he could make it better. But Sora shook his head.

“A bit more painful,” he replied. “Like my bones hurt…”

Vanitas still tried to use potions. One of the last few he had, hoping that it’d at least alleviate some of the pain.

It didn’t.

Sora continued to lay down, unable to move even an inch without writhing in pain.

All he did then, was wait. That’s what _Vanitas_ did, whenever he got hurt. Wait it out, hoping it would fade away slowly on its own. Which, thankfully, was what happened.

It seemed that Sora’s eyes were beginning to focus on Vanitas again. The edges of pain that were reflected in them were washing away as time passed.

“You okay?” Vanitas asked.

Sora didn’t answer.

Vanitas was tempted to pull Sora regardless. But it’d be a pointless endeavour. Sora’s body was too weak to even move. Vanitas would have to drag him like a potato sack, and strain what little energy he had left.

With a loud groan, he dropped to the ground. His hand was resting a few centimetres away from Sora’s.

“I give up,” Vanitas said. “Do whatever you want. Like I care!”

He stayed there for a moment, just wallowing in despair like he often did. But after a while, he felt Sora’s burning gaze in him. He turned to the side, to be met with blue eyes that stared longingly at him.

A gaze that was filled with care and empathy. The type Vanitas had never seen directed at himself before.

“Thanks,” Sora said. “For staying.”

“Whatever,” Vanitas replied with a huff. “It’s not like I can go anywhere else.”

It was a lie. He could come and go as he please, to all parts of the Graveyards of Hearts.

But he knew far too well what being alone meant. How it, somehow, made the physical pain grow even more. While leaving could be easy, Vanitas couldn’t bring himself to do so.

Maybe because, as he was now, Sora resembled him too much. Back when he was newly created, and the world didn’t make sense. When he knew he was missing a part of _something_ but couldn’t find out what it was.

The memories of being beaten down and broken before he had time to heal echoed in his mind. Back then, all he had was Master Xehanort. Someone who would only harm him and bring him anxiety and dread.

He could easily be the same thing to Sora right now.

Why wasn’t he doing that?

It’d be so easy. To let his anger and hate drip down towards someone else. Someone as helpless as he had once been.

Yet, he couldn’t.

For some reason, he couldn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to "what the hell did I just write" population: me 
> 
> CW for the notes. I get a bit personal. 
> 
> the quarantine is taking a toll on me. emotionally and mentally. I was forced to come back home. The only face-to-face interaction I have in the day is with my mom. And it's not a pleasant experience. And this panic-disease has struck my country so hard, I can't even go out to the supermarket. It's another kind of painful to be so cut away from the world, feeling as you only exist as data inside a machine. I'm not sick from the virus, but I'm slowly spiralling out of control in my own mind. I think the biggest mistake this world has made, was to think complete social isolation was the answer. I feel like I was robbed of all the hard work I put into my mental stability this last three years. My hypersomnia returned, I can't concentrate, and reality has been slipping from me. Time doesn't feel real. And it reminds me a bit too much of those days when...when I was at my worst. 
> 
> And it shows in this chapter. It's not as polished as I'd hoped, and it deals with themes I hadn't planned on dealing with. But I had to vent out in some way. 
> 
> Perhaps it was insensitive to post this. But I can't find myself caring. I feel so cheated that I, at the very least, want this. A place where I can speak. Perhaps not directly to someone. But this is the most real a conversation has felt in weeks. And it's one-sided. 
> 
> Hopefully, I'll get better. My life will better. Because at this point, all I feel is anxiety and anger bubbling inside. And I want it so desperately to go away.


End file.
